this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
