I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
