They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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