i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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