By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
it's like iHOP with fire
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
