in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
