He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
