I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
