this beer tastes like vomit already
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
