I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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