Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
