i already hear my dad disowning me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
