I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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