So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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