the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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