Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
