you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
