Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
