In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
