Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
