I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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