I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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