I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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