our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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