I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
