he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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