at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
