Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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