If i come over, it means nothing
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
