No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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