No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
