i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
