all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
