stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm both gender and math confused
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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