I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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