The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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