At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We need to get me chipped asap
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
