woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
