I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
