i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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