I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
even my farts smell like vagina
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
