I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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