the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
