She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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