all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
