I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
