You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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