This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
