I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
