Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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