I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
