I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize