Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
