The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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