The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
